I'm walking through a busy mall in a place where no one speaks my language. Suddenly I realize that I no longer have my suitcase. Then I notice that I've lost my pocketbook too. I rush back past a moving walkway - where people are slowly moving in the other direction. I feel like I'm going against the tide. At the end of the walkway, I see some people with my empty handbag in hand, it's contents spread over the floor - as if for sale. "That's MINE!" I tell them - but my wallet with its credit cards and ID documents are gone! Then I woke up.
Two nights later I dream again. I'm moving. My parents have only two boxes to lend me, but I don't want to take their last two boxes. This means I have to selectively go through all my "stuff" and discard what cannot fit into my few suitcases. I feel pressured to make my decisions quickly. The moving people are coming to collect my stuff. I'm afraid it all won't fit into the truck. I see things that I loved, that I'm attached to - that I'm forced to leave behind. What will happen to it? What if there is something I'm forgetting that I can't replace - artwork, memories - intangible items that mean so much to me. They are going to be discarded. With great difficulty I piece through the "stuff" that represents my life. And then I woke up.
I've been having dreams for the past few nights. Dreams of being lost. Dreams of losing myself and the things that are important to me. I know enough to know that these dreams represent my innermost feelings. My feelings of displacement - and forced adjustment.
While I've had some of the happiest days of my life with my wonderful husband - who couldn't be more "made for me" had he been made to order, the adjustment to this new place with its own set of social mores, values and people, has been a tough one. I feel like the foundation has been shaken from beneath me - and like the things that I hold important - except for the love and acceptance I feel from my husband - are meaningless here. The currency has changed. My identity is worth naught.
Yesterday David & I went skiing. It was only my second time on skies and we went about a mile out on the frozen lake. We emerged from one lake and started across land to another. The hills were challenging and coming down was scary. Even though I had skied about a mile, I didn't know how to negotiate the hill. I fell. And getting up was really challenging - with skies on my feet and sprawled out on the ice. With David's help, I managed to get up - and to get back down another hill onto the first lake. That one was not a dream. And I had a good time even though I fell.
Maybe things will be alright.
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