Joining the Thin Club

Inspiration Can Be...Anywhere

Inspiration can come from those who think they are the least likely to inspire.  Today I reconnected with a friend I hadn't seen for many years.  She's blue because of weight issues.  Ironically, she looks better than I ever remember her - she's got beautiful blonde hair (that doesn't need a flatiron to make it shiny!) and big blue eyes.  OK, to be fair, I remember her as a kind of nerdy kid with glasses and long stringy hair.  She has turned into a beautiful woman.

But as we lunched - she told me how unhappy she is about her appearance - her weight.  If only, she could lose the weight, THEN her life would be happy...

"What's stopping you?" I asked her, curious about what may be keeping her from being happy.  She said that food is one of her few comforts at the end of a hectic day with the kids. And the kids eat "kid food" - not really healthy choices. So here is my advice for those of you, who like my friend, find yourselves running around making everyone else's life work - and neglecting your own.

1. Remember the old adage from the airplane - FIX YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK FIRST - otherwise you cannot possibly care for your loved ones.  That means make sure you take at least one break during the day that is YOUR time - and don't use food as the reward.  Go shopping.  Get your nails done.  Teach yourself one new thing using the computer as your guide.  Pick up a hobby - needlepoint or crocheting.  Do something for yourself!  THEN go back to the rest of the brood.

2. It's OK to introduce your kids to healthy food.  That means salad and veggies making up the bulk of the meal with protein as the number two food and high fiber carbs as the smallest serving.  No way they'll try veggies?  Present them nicely on the plate.  Provide a lowfat dip or salsa for them to dip them into.  Make them pretty and fun - and by the way, kids don't typically starve. If you change your own eating habits, chances are they will follow.  Make the whole family healthy.

3. Don't lose weight for an event - lose it to feel good.  Every day.  Food influences mood.  And mood influences food.  It's a cycle.  You can start it right.

And the best part about giving my friend advice is that I took my OWN advice after I spoke to her.  I went to Trader Joe's and did NOT stock up on snack foods.  Dinner tonight was healthy with normal sized portions.  Snack was air popped popcorn and sugar free hot cocoa.  And tomorrow, since it will be a snow day - it's exercise and hunkering down to write proposals.  You see, thanks to you, my friend, I'm finally back on track!  We can be there for each other!  And that is tip number 4 - support is everything.  Even when you don't realize that YOU can inspire someone else.  Isn't it cool?

Look Beyond Yourself

So off I departed to my parents' home in Brooklyn for some TLC and chicken soup.  There is nothing like Mom's chicken soup to heal the soul on a Friday night.

Still smarting from the breakup and feeling sorry for myself as an unemployed person has been taking a toll on me, so I decided a restorative weekend and reunion with old friends was in order.  Saturday afternoon I walked over to a dear friend's house - one I've known since high school.  Another high school compadre walked over as well.

Interestingly, the very thing I sought from them - they needed from me - and then some.  Namely a hug, a sympathetic ear and a shoulder.  One of the two is in the midst of a very contentious divorce with her deadbeat husband suing HER for alimony (no, she is not a wealthy woman - she's a simple web designer).  The other friend and I had a heart-to-heart and her story ripped open my soul.

To ease herself out of a destructive marriage, she turned to crack, subsequently was promptly divorced and lost complete access to her children.  The pain this dear friend has endured was unbelievable and as she relayed her story to me in a small Brooklyn bistro on Saturday night, I felt tears pouring down my cheeks.

Sometimes it takes getting beyond yourself to put your own so-called sorrows into perspective.  I'm so glad I went to Brooklyn for the weekend.  Next time I feel myself start to sink, I'm going to look around for those who are in a bigger pit and who need a friendly ear, shoulder or hand.  TIP:  Feeling blue? Look around for someone less fortunate than yourself - They are everywhere!

Can Love Really Die?

"I have really missed hearing your voice," I said to the man I had dated for six months, as my soul searched to link to his, like a cellphone seeking a signal in a tenuous cell zone.  We hadn't talked in three weeks. Not since the day he told me he no longer felt "connected" to me. 

Dead silence as he tried to think of something to say.  "Wow," was my reaction.  Just wow.

Just 24-hours before the breakup, he told me he had been telling his friends that his New Year's resolution last year had been to finally have an intimate, deep relationship - and he was so pleased that he had done that--with me!  He told me that we were going to "create" our relationship going forward this New Year.

And 24-hours later he called me on the phone to say he was no longer "connected." It was over.  The feelings were gone.  So what caused the disconnect, I wondered.  And that is why I wrote him and asked him if we could talk.  His voice was cold, robotic, icy--like a Harry Potter Dementor.  The warmth, teasing, sweetness in the voice that I thought I knew so well, the voice I had accessed late NY time, not so late Denver time, for six months straight--was gone.  Was it a dream? Had I just imagined that he once sounded loving and warm?

Reliving scenes—like a movie – walking through the Valentine's exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum doing Monte Python routines and laughing at Puti Cupids, watching him cry his eyes out at the play Irena’s Vow, sleeping under a blanket in my den while he watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s, buying dishes with him at Costco in sub-zero weather in Denver, being the barely discernable cellular voice in his ear as he walked his son's uniboob dog and screamed "heel" into the phone, baking, sending and bringing him homemade cookies and challah and dog biscuits, cooking a five-course meal in his house,  and meeting his all-American relatives on Thanksgiving—those were all very special moments for me.  And the standout moment was him planted in the doorway of the Denver apartment, begging me not to run away—telling me he loves me, and that I could trust him and that he was new at this relationship thing – after all he'd been divorced as long as I was married--22 years.  And when the ground was shaky under me, he said that if the world ended tomorrow, I would always know I was cherished and loved.  "Why did you say those things?" I asked him last night.  "I meant them at the time," he answered coldly.  "Was there something I said or did?" I probed.  "Nothing at all," his answer.  "It's me, not you." 

So, how can it be that he is disconnected?  Can love really die?  I ask myself these questions as I try to make sense of yet another relationship that appears to be gone.  But this one, unlike others, appears to be REALLY dead.

If love dies - where is it buried?  Does anyone bother eulogizing it - or attending its funeral?  Does anyone remember it fondly as the years go by?  Does love live on in any form - like a pilot light ready to be ignited?  And if love is about "connecting" - must it always feel "connected"? Or is it like my refrigerator that cycles on and off but is always plugged in.

In this day and age of technology and digital connections, love that suddenly dies is a concept that I just don't understand.  I am  fortunate in my life to have had many people, over the years, that I loved.  And while love didn't always turn into the committed relationship I had hoped it would, sometimes it waned and turned into fondness, unless someone really hurt me, my love has never died--and I have always stayed connected in some fashion to those I once loved.  My pilot light is always on.  I believe that nothing - not cold-hearted lovers, not uncertain circumstances, not even death - can ever extinguish that flame.  No, Jeff, love doesn't die of its own accord.  Somebody has to kill it.

 

My Report Card - Dealing with the Job Hunt Blues

With one more week left in my daughter's marking period, I decided to give MYSELF a report card.  For those of you following my blog, you know that I was "laid-off" in March - one of the early ones in the parade of pink slips, to be let go from the major department store where I was a Regional Public Relations Manager. 

It's interesting, the progression that happens when you've become a pink-slipped veteran (I prefer not to use the word "victim" - that word would imply that I gave up and have succumbed to the out-of-control helpless feeling of negativity--NEVER!).  So here is my Report Card--complete with comments.  Do you think I'm making the grade?

1. Attitude - B+

While Judy has an overall positive attitude, she, like many in this unstable financial environment, has a tendency to slip into negative thinking. She should turn off the radio and stop watching those scary statistics coming over twitter and digg.  She must make sure she thinks one positive thought per hour--even when it doesn't come naturally.

2. Food & Fitness - C

Because she is afraid to go out and inadvertantly spend money that she doesn't have, Judy has been confined to quarters, forced to quit her gym and she has been eating foods that she thinks makes her feel better.  As soon as the weather gets warmer and the ice melts, Judy must go outside and walk in the sunshine.  In the meantime, she must exercise for at least 45 minutes in the house each day on the treadmill, in front of the TV and with her Kettlebell and free weights.  She should allow herself twice-a-week trips to the produce market to buy fresh vegetables and fruits and she should make sure to keep herself gainfully occupied instead of raiding the pantry and/or refrigerator during work hours.

3.  Web 2.0  - A

Judy has taken time to learn new skills that include navigating new social networking sites, hence making new friends and contacts!  Way to go, Girlfriend! Keep blogging!

4. Social Skills - B

Sadly, unemployment has taken a toll on Judy's social life, which is largely facilitated by online dating.  Judy has to get out more - explore new horizons and try to meet people in person instead of online.  Although it is hard for her - since she feels like a freak since she is unemployed, the good news is that with all the other unemployed people out there, she is certainly not alone.  The question is, does she really WANT to meet other unemployed people?

5. Job Hunting - A

Judy has been actively sending out resumes, engaging new clients, writing creative PR proposals and going on job interviews.  She looks over her portfolio at least once a day to remind her of her amazing lifetime achievements.  That keeps her attitude positive and puts her in touch with all the talent she brings to these new opportunties.

6.  Respect for Authority - A

Judy has become acutely aware that G-d is in charge and that He provides her sustenance.  She talks to Him daily and begs him to help her continue to find enough work to give her food and shelter and she thanks Him for all He does for her that she frequently doesn't fully appreciate.  She knows that He has a plan and when the time is right, she will find the right job and the right husband and will live in stability ever after!

It's All About HIM...

Another dating story...

He calls in the evening.  We shmooze a bit.  His 8-year old son walks in and gets demanding with him - clearly wants his attention - says that he's starving.

I say to the gentleman, "Don't you want to take care of your son?  Give him something to eat and you can call me back later."

His reply - "No, he can wait..."

We weren't discussing anything of major import or significance and this was a child who just a few months ago went to wake up his mother and found her DEAD.  Now this man is single parenting.  And dating.  And his child wanted dinner.

I said firmly - "No, please take care of your son. You can call me back later, I'll be around."

P.S. Guess who didn't call back? 

Am I just being pushy?  Or what?

Obama - The Thin Man Joins the Thin Club

OK, President Obama, after you've eaten your way through ten inaugural balls will you still be thin?  My guess is that you will burn calories trying to solve the massive problems of the US economy, and that will keep you lean--and as for the rest of us--who knows?

With the changing times, we all face tremendous uncertainty.  Food can be a great source of comfort, especially in these icy indoor days when the last thing you want to do is face the cold for a brisk walk, run or trip to the gym.  This past month I had to do something I swore I'd never do - I had to give up kickboxing at the gym.  Not because it's cold, but because I just couldn't justify paying the monthly fees anymore with no money coming in.

Lo and behold, I find the charges on my Discover bill, nonetheless.  When I disputed the charge, the gym wrote a letter that basically said I was TIED to the gym membership unless I could prove that I moved more than 25 miles away or had a proven medical injury and could produce a doctor's note.  Well, how ridiculous is that?  The credit card company said they can't help me--I should have read the fine print!  Well, you have to hand it to the gym owner - HE sure knows how to make money in this economy--by milking it out of unemployed (mostly women) who are tied to a lifelong gym membership unless they move or injure themselves!  It makes me want to use some of the kickboxing skills he taught me - on HIM!  Only after one month without it and I'm feeling flabby!

Somebody please cheer me up - (but please don't send chocolates!)

Judy

A Bailout for Judy? Should I Marry Him or Not?

Two more weeks of unemployment and the benefits stop.  Combine that with the loss of my last client.  And I've been sending out resume after resume, PR proposals up the wazoo and the answer is always the same - there is no money to support me.  Yes, many want my work - they want to milk my brain for every ounce of wisdom that I've garnered in my years of marketing and public relations - but nobody seems budgeted to pay for it!  My last client still owes me for two months worth of work. 

Subsequently, I owe my accountant, handyman, gardener and doctor money.  I simply cannot pay.  Not if I'm going to feed my daughter and keep the lights on in my home.  And so it goes...NOT a pretty picture.

So along comes an old boyfriend - one I truly like and admire - but not one that I have deep feelings for.  The one I have deep feelings for let me go as suddenly as the department store where I was employed last March, perhaps because I was unemployed.  I guess I'll never really know for sure.  But, I digress - because this former boyfriend says - "Why don't we try again...? We were always good together."

He says the magic words, "I'll take care of you!"

So the question is, do I take the bailout?  Or do I say, no - it's just wrong!  As I try to figure out if I will be able to sell my house before I can no longer pay the bank, or if I should take a risk and cancel out of COBRA or give up my car - which in the suburbs is so impossible to fathom, I cannot tell a lie.  It's a tempting thought.  He bails me out and I become a good wife.  I don't hate him.  But I don't love him - not the way a wife is supposed to love the man she marries.

Women have done this since time immemorial - back in the days when women didn't work.  Now, for some reason, it appears that I cannot work and get paid what I need.  What a prospect!  For the record, as tempting as it would be to know my bills are paid and to have someone to come home to, I told him no.  I explained to him that I don't want him to wonder if I just married him to take his bailout package or because he is a wonderful man.  And frankly, I don't want to have to second guess that one myself either.  So here I am - alone again, naturally...Got work?

Devil's (Food Cake) Advocate

So I was on my third date with this man I met on a dating site.  Of course, he looks NOTHING like his dating site picture, in which he is at least 40 lbs. less than he is in real life.  In his photo he was lean and handsome.  These days he is portly and round-faced.  But that's OK, I never expect a man to look like his photo - that is asking WAY too much.  And I look at the inner qualities of a man.  Men in their fifties seldom look as good as George Clooney!  I'm realistic.

We were enjoying lunch.  "What is the most decadent dessert you've got on the menu," my date  asks our waiter.  The waiter points to deep fried bananas, slatered in chocolate syrup and served with ice cream and whipped cream on the side.  "We will have that," the gentleman said excitedly.  "YOU will have that," I responded politely.  "None for me, thanks."

"Oh, come on, you have to have just a little," the gentleman begged.  Again I declined.  I watched as he indulged, knowing this would be our last date. 

On our first date we met at Dunkin Donuts.  I ordered a small coffee.  He ordered two Boston Creme donuts and proceeded to put one down in front of me.  I told him to take it home to his son.  Or eat it on the way home.  I don't eat donuts.  Ever.  He seemed disappointed.  Our second date was at a restaurant.  He brought me a rose.  I ate a salad with some grilled salmon, he ordered a regular lunch and then, a molton lava chocolate cake for dessert.  One tiny spoonful convinced me that it was too sweet for me and I wasn't interested in wasting any more calories on it.

Is there such a thing as food incompatibility when you are looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right?  You bet.  And how does it translate into personality compatibility?  I mean, clearly if I am allergic to nuts and HE isn't, we can still have a happy life together, right?  But can someone who is into gastronomic indulgence really ever hope to live with someone more measured in their food choices?

I'm no angel - of course I snack and have my moments of weakness.  But when I am looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, I am looking for a man who is going to bolster my good habits, support my decisions to eat right (not nag me to indulge, or to watch myself), and who shares my overall desire to be healthy.  That is not to say I will not go out with someone who occasionally shares a dessert with me.  Once in a while, that is a sweet thing to do (literally AND figuratively), but someone who wants deadly desserts three times in a week and who pushes when I say no thanks, is clearly not the one for me!  NEXXXXT!

Oprah, You're Not Alone

OK, I finally had to face the music.  I was weighing my suitcases to go to Israel and I hopped on the scale.  EEEEEK!  Yep, the jiggle in my wiggle was NOT my imagination.  I gained 15 pounds.

Oprah, I feel your pain.  I feel it in my hips, in my arms, in my belly and on my back.  And I don't like the way it feels!  But here is the worst part.  I KNOW I'm making the wrong choices, and yet I'm compelled to continue to do it.  Why?  I wrote a book about this stuff!  If anyone knows HOW and WHY to lose weight, it's ME (and Oprah, of course).

So, here is what I wrote in the book - and what I believe to this day (and 15 pounds heavier).  Becoming a thin person is a choice.  And some of us CHOOSE to be fat.  We are not victims of obesity.  We are conscious decision-makers.  So when I CHOOSE to bake the bobka - and eat a few pieces, I'm making a choice to gain weight, to feel a sugar high/low, and to feel icky and bloaty afterwards.  When I choose to eat a salad and leave it at that - I am choosing to stay in the thin club.

Why am I choosing to gain weight?  Well, that's a question I have been pondering endlessly.  Being out of work certainly does make me feel unstable.  Food is comforting.  Sweet food is even MORE comforting.  Lots of food makes me think about food and not about my current jobless status.  Having no significant man in my life leaves a void that I am stuffing with cookies, blue corn tortilla chips and cake.  When I have a man in my life, frequently I choose to forego exercise and to eat unhealthy foods along with him.  Excuses, excuses?  Maybe.  None of them good enough to convince me that getting fat is the choice I'd like to make.

So this morning I got back on the treadmill and I ran for forty minutes.  Tomorrow it's back to the Kettlebell.  Simple workouts that I can do in the privacy of my own home.  And the luxury of being unemployed allows me the time to do them.  Life is good...

The Power to Create

I had a boyfriend who really seemed clued in.  He said, "You have the power to create - use it!"  Of course, a few short months after participating in the  "creation" of our relationship, the dude opted out - confiding that he no longer felt a connection...funny words coming from someone who once said he had discovered the secret to "creation."  Connection lost - he had lost the desire to continue creating whatever was necessary to keep the connection live.

The truth is, we all do have the power to create - within the framework of what has already been created for us.  A big boned person with large ancestors and bodybuilder DNA will never attain "waif" body build, although she may lose weight and look thin.  Our relationships are most certainly created.  Once a relationship is established, the more we give, the more we get.  Hide, run away, scrimp, occupy yourself with other "more important" things, withhold, and shut down and a relationship in the making can be destroyed--even faster than it was initially built.  While you can't buy love, generosity in a relationship always feeds the relationship. Loving equals giving and dedication, a certain commitment. Commitment obstructions bring a relationship to a screeching halt.

The same happens in weight loss.  We can be our own worst enemy - by making poor choices and not taking responsibility for the unsatisfactory outcome.  By committing to a relationship with our bodies, we keep the connection going.   And commitment is an ongoing process.  Give time and energy to the goal of staying healthy, and you will keep the connection going.  Be generous--buy the right foods - take time to exercise and fuel our mindset - and we will complete our relationship with food and our health. 

Relationships generally take two, making it more challenging to create "together."  Your relationship with yourself takes ONE - one committed person, creating the image of what one wants to feel like, look like and BE!