Joining the Thin Club

The Michigan 40

You've heard of the Freshman 15? 

Well, since I've moved to Michigan, I put on 40 pounds.  The sad fact is, I'm not alone.  I look around me in grocery stores, at the gym - everywhere - people here seem to be overweight - even obese.

After losing 90 lbs - watching the scale - and my wardrobe as they inflate - has been disheartening - to say the least.  I've been resistant to posting on my blog - so ashamed of gaining weight.  I wrote a book about the psychology of weight loss - and here I am gaining weight.  What's that about? So this week, after my husband gently reminded me that my belly was kind of preceding me - I finally heeded my own call to action.  I've taken control.

Step One - I stepped up my gym presence.  Even though I'm fat, working out makes me feel better.  I'm hoping I can break the cycle of feeling bad, eating, feeling worse, low energy and gym resistence.  Going to the gym makes me feel strong and healthy - even when there is a bit too much jiggle.

Step Two - I really tried to get to the root of what was eating ME - and only then did I step back and really thought about what I was eating.  This was probably the toughest step because it involved introspection, realizing that I was out of control, and determining that I want to be IN CONTROL.  I realized that in certain areas of my life I am not in control.  But it doesn't have to be that way with my waistline.  Now I'm in position to take my life back.  This is a whole blog post in itself.  I will follow up as I continue to explore.

Step Three - I acknowledged that although I love my husband, I have not been happy in my new life in Michigan.  That may or may not change.  But I don't have to be unhappy AND overweight.  It's kind of like wearing a big, fat sign - "I hate my life!"  And clearly, I'm not the only one - there are depressed people all over Michigan wearing the same sign.  It's a club I'd rather not join.  So I've ditched the sign.

So, here I am on day 3 of what will hopefully be the road to recovery.  I don't have a clearcut goal - other than wanting to ditch the Michigan 40 and feel better.  I'll be working through my issues - one pound at a time - and strengthening my body and my mind.  With help from above, hopefully I can tackle the challenges.

I guess the one upside about yo-yo dieting is that I know I can do it.  I've done it before!

Identity Crisis

I'm 97

...as in wait-number, not age.  I'm on line at the Secretary of State in Washtenaw County, Michigan.  That sounds so impressive, as if I'm taking a meeting with a lofty government official, but it's not really.  I'm waiting to take the final steps in changing my identity, getting my new Michigan driver's license with my new name - Judith Segaloff - the final document that officially appoints me a woman with a new name and an official resident of the state of Michigan.

84...85...

The line is moving fast.  I've always hated lines, even in New York.  I find them demoralizing and insulting.  After so many years of blasting through the less tangible lines in my life -- making friends in high places, catepulting my way into circles of influences with a smile, a business card, some fancy words--lines like this one bring you down.  They remind you that there are no special priviliges in some arenas--when you are waiting for a driver's license, you're not so special--everybody waits.

86...

Yet I wish this line would slow down to allow me to collect my thoughts.  If they only knew how fast they were racing, they'd give me a ticket on the spot!

87...

Stop!  I want to shout, "Stop calling those numbers!  Just let me be ME--whoever I am at the moment!"  Judith Steinberg - born in New Jersey.  Judith Lederman - the name I never officially assumed after my first marriage.  My babies were born Lederman.  My books were bylined Lederman.  In business I was known as Lederman.  But yesterday I sat and waited on another line - number C145 - and I obliterated another piece of myself - my name.  It's something I never did officially for my first husband.  "This is huge," I told my new husband.  I will now forever be known as Judith Segaloff.  Who am I?

88...

Judith Segaloff is a clean slate - an unknown entity.  I did a pipl.com deep web search and found--nothing.  Judith Segaloff in Michigan until yesterday did not exist.  I've been born anew.  It's like being in the Witness Protection Program.  I'm a complete stranger in a strange land, surrounded by strangers.  How will I ever find myself again?

89...

Even though I love my husband with all my heart, and moving to be with him was never so much as a question in my mind, I never anticipated these feelings of complete alienation.  Never have I felt so distant and separated from the people who love me and the places that my whole life I have called home.

90...91...

My grandson, my sons, my daughter, my parents, all my friends.  Familiar roads, familiar highways, familiar names.  The Department of Motor Vehicles - THAT'S the place we go to in New York - we don't visit the Secretary of State.  There are so many differences - beyond the miles - between there and here.

92...

Here I'm always getting lost.  It feels like I'm constantly traveling in circles, trying to figure out where I am, where I'm supposed to be, how to circumvent huge buildings - part of the sprawling campus of the University of Michigan - law schools, libraries, dental schools, hospitals, museums.  Who could have dreamed that getting married would make me feel lost.  My poor befuddled brain is screaming, begging for anything that invokes the familiar - a condo complex that reminds me of Crestwood in Yonkers, a pretty neighborhood that looks like Wykagel in New Rochelle, Starbucks, anything that sort of looks like "home."  Although to date I've yet to see anything that even remotely reminds me of New York City.  I'm lost!  How do I find myself?

93...94...

I need warmth and welcoming.  Not phony platitudes or people asking me how my day is going in the grocery store.  I need my stepson to smile at me - and mean it.  I need someone to call me up and ask me to come over for coffee.  I need real people to help me figure out who I am - now that I'm no longer Judy Steinberg, born in Newark or Judy Lederman, that marketing consultant from New York.

95...

Why am I here? 

96...97...

TIMES UP!

I go to the counter.  Papers fly  - documents that trace my life from birth through this very moment.  Papers that tell other people - not me - who I was, who I am.  Judith Segaloff.  A new license plate and the nice lady, Cristine, instructs me to stand in front of the camera to take a photo for my new driver's license.  "Take off your hat," she directs me.  "I'm sorry, I can't," I explain.  "I cover my hair for religious reasons.  I'm an orthodox Jewish married woman." 

"I've never heard of that before," she frowns and goes to her supervisor.  A hefty black woman comes over to the counter, and she repeats authoritatively, "You'll have to remove your hat, otherwise they will not process your license."  I reiterate that my hair remains covered for religious reasons and I cannot remove my hat.  "With all the burkas in nearby Dearborn, you mean to tell me that you make Moslem women remove their headgear for photos?" I ask shrewdly.  Both women disappear behind a desk and the telephone lights up.  I wait and I stand firm.  Sometimes a little New York is a good thing.  Five minutes later, the word comes down from the auspicious Secretary of State of Michigan.  My hat stays on for the license photo.  And in that five minutes I figured out who I am - an orthodox Jewish married woman named Judith Segaloff who is living in Michigan and is here to let people know just who I am. 

My Life in 10 File Cabinet Drawers

As I prepare for my mondo move to Michigan - where I can't wait to join my husband, who has waited patiently to welcome me to my new home, I have begun the grunt work of sorting through my "stuff" and figuring out what to take and what to trash.

Since I have been operating a PR agency for over 20-years, that means lots and lots of files.  And since my business pre-dates the paperless office of today, lots of files means lots of paper.  Some of the papers are boring - old records of receivables, cash receipts, the kind of stuff my ex-husband who is a CPA, routinely kept in folders and envelopes.  Some are home-related - old floor plans, swatches of wallpaper and carpet.  And some are child-created - love notes, stories, letters from camp - my three prolific children - the youngest of whom is set to graduate high school today - certainly gave me enough to stock several file cabinets.

As I piece through each file before I send some to the dispose/shred pile and others to my new home, I realize that my entire life is contained in a row of metal cabinets.  Forget the pine box - bury me in a file cabinet.  Everything I ever did - clues to my existence as a rebellious teen through my college years as President of the Film Society to first job at Paramount Pictures Corporation to my married life and subsequent jobs.  My letters of recommendation supporting my ambitions (never realized) to go to law school, books and screenplays started but never finished (there were quite a few of those).  Awards I've won, campaigns I've run.  Research for the books I did complete and manage to publish - and article after article, photo after photo of me in every stage of MEdom. I never realized how many lives I've lived until I attacked those files. And my children - stories and cards they composed when they were so young that gave hints as to who they would grow into so many years later.

I woke up my hours-away-from-graduating senior with a story she wrote and illustrated in first grade, entitled, The Little Bear.  It's about a bear named Cottony who goes to school, makes cupcakes and encounters a "mean girl" on the bus.  He cries at the end because nobody likes him and his mommy assures him that he is liked - because SHE loves him.  And wouldn't you know it - just yesterday Casey and I had that discussion.  "You don't love me!" she cried.  I assured her, I do - SO much.  Precious and prescient is that special story.

Of course, now that society is essentially paperless, most of the papers in my file cabinets are meaningless - but sorting through the piles of paper, I've found some gems - more than enough to fill a time capsule - with treasures that my entire family can read, review and enjoy for years to come.

Confessions and Apologies...

I'm in the process of getting ready for the big day of confessions - Yom Kippur.  Unlike other religions, the Jewish religion gives us one annual massive opportunity to confront ourselves.  To stare at our "soulular" image and to rip open our hearts.  Even though we can repent -- and are encouraged to do so every day -- Yom Kippur is the day when self-examination, introspection and hopefully finding a peaceful place within us to acknowledge our strengths, weaknesses and the "improvement zones," comes to a serious crescendo. 

Many simply associate Yom Kippur as a day when we don't eat.  True that.  But the day isn't about beating ourselves into submission.  Fasting is just one of the tools we use to confront our spiritual selves - our souls that need no food to nourish - rather they require prayer and silent confession.

Confronting one's soul is a massive task.  We talk about transparency in this day of Internet - where all your missteps and comments are traceable--indelible footprints that can confront you at any point and time.  If you believe in G-d, transparency is a concept you are familiar with.  You know that we are all transparent - even when our sins are locked away in the recesses of our minds.  And on Yom Kippur we stand, cowering before our Creator, and we admit our sins. 

Rationalizations, though common defenses by most all year round, are unacceptable on Yom Kippur.  The "I'm OK, you're OK" mentality just doesn't hold up.  No excuses or rationalizations are given or accepted.  And pain that we've caused others cannot be excused by G-d.  We are commanded to confront one another - and offer our sincere apologies for any pain we caused them with our words or actions.

So, this season, as I confront my own demons - both online, offline, within myself and beyond - let me please extend apologies to anyone that I have hurt in any way this year.  Whether it was through written words, spoken words or actions, please know that I am sincerely sorry.  And I promise not to do it again--and to be a better person.  I humbly beg you to forgive me.

Tomorrow evening, I face myself dead-on.  And G-d.  And I will pray for all mankind, that we merit G-d's mercy and compassion and that He bestows upon each human being on this planet, peace.  It's what we all need this New Year.

My Report Card - Dealing with the Job Hunt Blues

With one more week left in my daughter's marking period, I decided to give MYSELF a report card.  For those of you following my blog, you know that I was "laid-off" in March - one of the early ones in the parade of pink slips, to be let go from the major department store where I was a Regional Public Relations Manager. 

It's interesting, the progression that happens when you've become a pink-slipped veteran (I prefer not to use the word "victim" - that word would imply that I gave up and have succumbed to the out-of-control helpless feeling of negativity--NEVER!).  So here is my Report Card--complete with comments.  Do you think I'm making the grade?

1. Attitude - B+

While Judy has an overall positive attitude, she, like many in this unstable financial environment, has a tendency to slip into negative thinking. She should turn off the radio and stop watching those scary statistics coming over twitter and digg.  She must make sure she thinks one positive thought per hour--even when it doesn't come naturally.

2. Food & Fitness - C

Because she is afraid to go out and inadvertantly spend money that she doesn't have, Judy has been confined to quarters, forced to quit her gym and she has been eating foods that she thinks makes her feel better.  As soon as the weather gets warmer and the ice melts, Judy must go outside and walk in the sunshine.  In the meantime, she must exercise for at least 45 minutes in the house each day on the treadmill, in front of the TV and with her Kettlebell and free weights.  She should allow herself twice-a-week trips to the produce market to buy fresh vegetables and fruits and she should make sure to keep herself gainfully occupied instead of raiding the pantry and/or refrigerator during work hours.

3.  Web 2.0  - A

Judy has taken time to learn new skills that include navigating new social networking sites, hence making new friends and contacts!  Way to go, Girlfriend! Keep blogging!

4. Social Skills - B

Sadly, unemployment has taken a toll on Judy's social life, which is largely facilitated by online dating.  Judy has to get out more - explore new horizons and try to meet people in person instead of online.  Although it is hard for her - since she feels like a freak since she is unemployed, the good news is that with all the other unemployed people out there, she is certainly not alone.  The question is, does she really WANT to meet other unemployed people?

5. Job Hunting - A

Judy has been actively sending out resumes, engaging new clients, writing creative PR proposals and going on job interviews.  She looks over her portfolio at least once a day to remind her of her amazing lifetime achievements.  That keeps her attitude positive and puts her in touch with all the talent she brings to these new opportunties.

6.  Respect for Authority - A

Judy has become acutely aware that G-d is in charge and that He provides her sustenance.  She talks to Him daily and begs him to help her continue to find enough work to give her food and shelter and she thanks Him for all He does for her that she frequently doesn't fully appreciate.  She knows that He has a plan and when the time is right, she will find the right job and the right husband and will live in stability ever after!

Shopping for New Clothes

Most overweight people dread few things more than clothes shopping. When I was heavy, I would do anything to avoid entering a dressing room, with the three-way mirrors, the too-bright lighting, and the skinny salesgirls whose eyes seemed to carry so much judgment of my appearance. When you've been big for a long time, this dislike of shopping can be a hard thing to get over.

I first went clothes shopping for my new "thin" wardrobe before I'd lost a pound. You read that right. For me, so much of my weight problem was tied up in self esteem problems (and the feeling that I couldn't take any time for myself!) that I knew that conquering my fear of clothing stores, and starting to acquire a wardrobe of things I felt good in, was a hugely important first step. Think about how much emotion is wrapped up in your "fat pants," that one item of clothing that serves as a reminder of just how big you used to be, and by extension how far you have come.

Whether we like it or not, our clothes are an important part of how we present ourselves to the world, and how the world interacts with us. This doesn't mean you have to spend a fortune on new stuff, especially if you're still in the weight-loss phase. But you should make sure that your clothes make you feel good about yourself. Make it a goal to get rid of everything in your closet that you don't feel good in.

While we're on the subject, you should get rid of EVERYTHING in your closet that's too big. (You can keep one item from your heavier days as a talisman, but it should go with your keepsakes, not your clothes.)  Weeding out your things this way will provide a symbolic break with your past, and will have the added effect of making it harder to go back to your old ways: if you put the weight back on, you'll need to buy all new clothes, again.

You may be tempted to have your old outfits altered to fit the new you. If the pieces are of good quality and not too out-of-fashion, this is a reasonable thing to look into, but keep in mind that having something tailored down more than a size or two is a major reconstruction job, not an alteration, and your tailor or dressmaker will charge you accordingly.

When you're ready to shop for new things, the process may feel very mysterious at first. I made some very weird choices my first shopping trip or two-- I had no idea what looked good, or even what size I was! Take along a friend who you trust, whose personal style you admire. And don't be afraid to carry a range of sizes into the dressing room with you. Just think how good it'll feel if you think you might be a 10 but it turns out you can get into a 6!

I'd love to hear your shopping stories. Share them in the comments!